FILM REVIEW - Valentine's Day

An American 'Love Actually' or just a bunch of rubbish love stories?

By David Newman

Films are often depicted as the antidote to loneliness.  Popular culture is strewn with images and references to solitary women and men whiling away hours in contented isolation in front of the silver screen.  Hidden in the darkness of the theatre it is easy to lose yourself in the trials and tribulations of others, sharing a silent bond with the viewers around you.  However, and I cannot stress this enough, it is important to choose your films wisely.  Some films are not meant to be watched alone, especially by certain members of society.  For example forty something men should not be allowed into cinemas to watch High School Musical or Twilight unaccompanied by a woman or child. Entering the Vue cinema to review this film I felt like a newly released paedophile being let back into society.  Everywhere I looked couples and gaggles of teenage girls muttered and stared as if to say “what are you doing here, you are not welcome.” Not that they were wrong because if you are a twenty-one year old male, Valentine’s Day is not for you. 

Set in Los Angeles during Valentine’s Day, the film revolves around a series of couples all with wildly different problems and monotonously similar lifestyles.  The problems will not surprise anyone who has seen a rom-com before. The film boasts a large ensemble cast, which IMDB informs me have been nominated for 16 acting Oscars, however, pitifully little of this talent is on display.  Jamie Foxx, Jennifer Garner and Topher Grace phone in their performances while Jessica Alba and Patrick Dempsey look to be well past their sell by date.  Rather it is the minor celebrities who steal the show. An elderly couple dealing with the crippling effect of infidelity on a marriage elicited out of me what 90 minutes of Ashton Kutcher’s inane philosophising on the meaning of love could not, an emotional reaction.  The story of a gay American footballer was also touching, especially the understated conclusion, while Julia Roberts has a scene stealing moment in the closing chapter. However, largely the film misses its mark.  Ensemble movies are tricky, for every Magnolia there is an Ocean’s 13. 

 The story arcs of each couple are jumbled together and we move between them with jolting irregularity.  It’s sad because this inhibits the audience developing any sympathy for the characters we are watching.  The schmaltz is laid on thick with all the soppy commercialism of a two hour trip to Clintons.  The entertaining moments of the film had nothing to do with love, Queen Latifah’s badass boss and Anne Hathaway’s phone sex worker received most of the laughs, although my personal favourite is reserved for the member of the audience who mid way through shouted at someone else (doubtless one of the aforementioned teenage gaggles) to “Shut the f**k up.”  I wish the screenwriters had heard him.

  Cinematic archives are filled with films that have something to say about love and relationships but this is not one of them.  Those looking for the next Love Actually or Paris Je t’aime should continue their quest because if there is a place where love dwells it is certainly not here.   As the film suggests, relationships are filled with tricky decisions however, this should definitely be one of the easiest you‘ll ever make.  This Valentine’s Day save your five pounds, your relationship and your sanity.

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