Olympic Banes

Admitting that you’re not looking forward to the Olympics at the moment is like admitting that you hate children. But the frenzy over the Olympics has become Britain’s baby in itself. Olympic mania is inescapable! It’s everywhere! And I’m bored.

With all of the recent Jubilee excitement, I for one have had enough of Britain being all glorified. Ironically, the fact that Britain is a bit crap really, what with our poor weather and culture of complaining, is what makes Britain so great! But instead we must contend (arghhh, Olympic mania has even permeated my language) with advertisements from every household brand wishing Britain luck in what is supposed to be Britain’s moment in the sun; excuse the further irony.

Besides, I can’t help worrying that all of this hype will be to no avail, at least, in terms of our Opening Ceremony. The Chinese 2008 ceremony featured 810 Zhou-era performers. How the flaming heck will a British ceremony live up to this? A recent survey stated that the aspect of British culture that foreigners most associate with Britain is rain. And a recent study of a female magazine stated that the aspect of British culture that we Britons most associate with ourselves is the good old British cuppa, besides self-deprecation and a sarcastic sense of humour. But our Opening Ceremony cannot be a classic British washout, while we dish out mugs of brews proclaiming: ’This is the best ceremony in the world! Only joking: it’s shite’. I don’t think that would go down too well.

But what of the games themselves? Surely the fact that Britain has some fantastic athletes should make the games tremendously exciting for all. Some might say, yes. But events that the average person genuinely cares about are few and far between. Does anyone really care who is the world softball champion? I’d much rather pay to see an 100m relay race where competitors rode pigs through the desert. The concept of a worldwide sporting tournament amongst champions, should, theoretically, be electrifying. But some Olympic events are so mundane. The Olympics has already been a bit of an anti-climax for the scores of people who have jousted for tickets only to be find they’ve been designated seats for the archery tournament. It’s like waking up as a child on Christmas morn to find you’ve been given not an X Box for Christmas, but a shoebox. And it’s empty.

Before you dismiss me as a cynical, anti-Patriotic deviant, I love Britain– and I do wish the athletes every success in the Games. It’s just that everyone knows that if you’re not careful, the anticipation for anything is so much better than the reality. And so ‘Olympics mania’ needs to take a brief hike, before it becomes as overwhelming as would be spooning with Keith Lemon.