It’s been about four weeks now since you drunkenly envisaged 2009′s “New You’. Now is the time the kebab guy at Zulphi’s can breathe a happy sigh of relief, the owners of the local gym can chortle evilly and count their profits, your poor bemused mother can go back to wondering blithely whether you’re dead or alive. New Year’s resolutions may have snuffed it quicker than the jokes in The Sanctuary, but to save you from making the same old mistakes next year I have compiled a list of “Resolutions’ that are both achievable and highly satisfying—1. Save money

Unless you are a healthy freak who enjoys the masochism of gruelling exercise then answer me this; is your gym membership really paying off? Divide the number of times you have been this year by the cash you have forked out. You might find that the half-arsed game of badminton you engaged in last autumn cost 65 quid. A price worth paying for a sport that makes you look like a camp, tennis-reject? I think not.

2. Eat healthily

Er, hello, haven’t you heard the news? Diets are bad. Especially these days when the vegetables are genetically modified and the fish poison you with their filthy mercury levels, the cunning bastards. Next year, embrace the essential fats and high calcium levels of nutella, you’ve all seen the advert-it contains two whole hazelnuts and must be fed to children! Perfect for the new healthy you.

3. Reward Parents

You didn’t ask to be born, and yet you generously gave them the gift of a child, blessing them with your mischievous, glorious presence and bestowing their lives with meaning and endless joy. Next year, let them appreciate your existence by craftily ignoring them; instead of answering that January phone call about where all the food in the pantry went, turn your phone to silent and let them think about all you’ve done for them.

4. Boost your love life

Ever heard the expression treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen? Forget old resolutions that promise fidelity, emotional support and compromise. Instead, kick-start your love life with nonchalant indifference and an icy demeanour.

5. Do something for your country

Times are tough, the credit crunch is ravaging its way through random banks and of course our lives as students are being flung into disarray with millions of the desperate resorting to Hollyoaks. I mean have you actually seen anything good on the news this year? Not unless you’re willing to endure at least 20 minutes of pie charts first. Perhaps your resolution should be to end this madness; spend your loan on the car industry, rejuvenate the economy and banish the finance section back to where it belongs.

6. Be Merry

Instead of vile detoxes why not make like a medieval king and use the new year to partake in the ritualistic consumption of ale and mead or, if you’re a normal person, regular drinks like vodka redbull. I don’t want to be sued when your liver shrivels into a barren husk but I think you know what you have to do.

7. Try less hard

Indisputable studies have shown that no employer likes a boffin. In this day and age a first counts against you and a low 2:2 cries out “sociable’, “practical’, “extra-curricular’. So leave those textbooks in the snug wrapping of cellophane they’ve made their home, sit back, chill out, and let the highly competitive job market come to you.

8. Experiment

Another favourite is that resolution where you swear to stop getting rat-arsed and pulling heinous randomers. What lunacy! Surely the hilarious anecdotes, the satisfying stalkerish phone calls the next day and the sheer fact that you don’t remember it anyway are reason enough to continue this grand tradition? What are a few pesky bouts of tonsillitis and gonorrhoea of the mouth when it comes to youthful experimentation!

9. Don’t do something for humankind

Who wants to leave a footprint where no man has trod before, this is a messy and potentially arduous task that’s best left to that one “perfect’ do-gooder in every seminar. Make your mind up to spend the year living a life of apathy and self-reflection.

New Year’s resolutions needn’t be abysmal failures, week-long ventures or drunken ramblings. As we have seen, prudent choices could guarantee a 2010 of smug adherence, albeit to a lifestyle of antisocial, loveless, boozy unemployment. Indeed you may end up obese and riddled with disease, but at least you’ll be true to your word.

Related posts:

1. Food/New Year’s Resolutions you might be able to keep… Our regular food columnists take a look at kick starting the new year with healthy eating.Your diet starts tomorrow, right? Mine too. In fact, my...
2. 2008: the year in books What’s made the headlines in the book world this year?January Catherine O’Flynn scoops the Costa First Novel award for What Was Lost, despite having been...
3. 10 Ways to Sit Out The Recession… 10 Ways to Sit Out The Recession…1) See the world Disappear from reality and enter the world of Facebook photo albums, living a life of...
4. Ones to watch in music this year The LS2 Music team keeps you in-touch, up-to-date, down-to-earth, left-of-centre, and south-of-the-bSix of the best for the year to come.<b>Delphic</b> <a href="www.myspace.com/Delphic">myspace</a> Record of the...